"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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