i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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