i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
