Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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