I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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