I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
