i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
