but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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