i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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