Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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