Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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