she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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