I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize