Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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