This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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