I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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