The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
