I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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