I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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