i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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