it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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