hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
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