Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
