just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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