I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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