My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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