so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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