Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You ruined the universe
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize