Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
