My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
