Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
