His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize