I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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