I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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