Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
