Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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