Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
