Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
