You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
