dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
