He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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