nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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