He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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