so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
