My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
