she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
