I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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