My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
