"it" just moved
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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