Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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