I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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