I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
