I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
