Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
