I hate your face
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
