You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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