Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
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