my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize