I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
