We're like a lot better than the average bears
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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